Temporary Farewell

Do not fret my dear readers, for I will be back perhaps sometime in the new year. I need some breathing space right now at this moment in time. A lot of things happened today and they will have repercussions for the near future and the far away future. I've come to a point in my life where I feel everything I love has been unfairly stolen from me and I cannot deal with this prospect. So I'm trying to cut down on the internet use for the latter part of this God awful year and I'll keep my head down and study until it's over. There's not much else I can do now. I've gotten into a bad state today something in particular I hope never becomes a habit like the cutting; It could have led to much much worse and I'm pretty stupid for doing it. My Mum would be very disappointed and that is one thing I certainly did not set out to do in life. I want to make her proud and I'm finding it hard to cope with every situation cropping up. I seem to always speak too soon on this blog and I find that difficult to stomach - Hey, I'm a pessimist - And I find it hard, despite what I said in the previous post, to forgive and make peace with myself. You see today me and J broke up -but it's more than a break up to me. It's another part of my heart stolen. And one cannot live without a whole heart never mind no heart.

So I'm giving myself a break. I know I can never recover from the events in this year for the rest of my life and beyond, they will haunt me. But one cannot live in the past no matter how hard we try to cling on. I'm not sure where I see myself in life anymore. Career, family all such things have just disappeared in the click of someone's fingers from my mind. After what I did today, I'm not even sure I see myself in life at all. But that's another matter all together

Maybe the apocalypse will occur on 21st December 2012. I'd welcome it with open arms.
Less time waiting to see Mum.
Goodbye for now readers, I will be back soon

xxx

Traité De Paix Pour Moi, S'il Vous Plait

This is a time in which I feel I need to vent more and come to terms with certain things in my life and to figure things out in my head. The Translation of the title is "Treaty of Peace for me, please" and the reason for the title is the theme of this particular blog - Being at peace with oneself

I think this is something we could all benefit from. Society has, through its strength, brought about its own downfall. We don't accept ourselves - we strive throughout our lives to change ourselves, "better" ourselves, make ourselves more accepted by others but in doing so we have lost the true essence of our personality.

So, How do we make peace with ourselves?
I don't really have an answer for that. I'm just testing it out myself. After all that's happened and all that is going to happen probably on Monday then I think I could at least try to make peace with myself. All this time I've been what everyone else wants of me. Believe it or not, I don't like being loud, I don't like being a leader or standing out. And I've been that way because it's what other people have needed. For example, people in my family are all quite quiet people. So someone needed to be loud and talk for them. Others always need a leader. So I always step up for something but I don't like doing it. Inside I'm a quiet person. I like being left alone to myself.

So I'm trying to like myself better. I'm not sure where to begin, I think it starts with doing stuff I like. Or appearing how I want. I think my real self has always been in my art and my writing. I'm going to focus on these exams right now. They've been going well so far. Maybe if I work hard enough I can get the 5 A's. I know I want to do Forensics. I know I can do it despite what certain people say. It makes me doubt if I can do it but inside I know I can and my Mum did too. If i can't believe in myself I can believe that she did. Despite what happens Monday, I need to keep a clear mind. I'm not parasitic: I don't live off other things. I can easily stand on my own two feet. And maybe I've been letting myself down forgetting about my exams. Because I am smart, I'm not entirely stupid. I have a good capability to learn and I have been neglecting it. That's not to say I want me and J to break up.
But my point is, I think I've lost myself in this. I've had to much going on recently - I think I need to take one of those breaks y'know where someone isn't seen for the whole summer and comes back renewed and different. Although it's not summer, I could use the Christmas Holidays I think. I'm not planning on enjoying Christmas this year nor am I taking part in it. I may as well fix myself back together piece by piece. Like a gap year fit into one month.

So this is me making peace with my self. I'm sure there's a lot of people out there doing what I usually do, not being yourself. But you can't constrain to society for ever. Because society will never give you a break. So give yourself a break.

One thing I can say is, you won't find yourself in your other-half's eyes.




Peace out
xxx

Three Times A Charm: oh the fucking irony

I'm on fire again. Not only with test scores but with life in general!
You are fucking kidding me...
Get this:

The number three really isn't my lucky number. In fact I'm beginning to think everything is out to get me. And it's not paranoia this time... It really is true
Let's start at the beginning of today:

<< rewinds

Okay I wake up a little late in quite a good mood although the last second of my dream was shattered by finding my mother in a room on a morgue table all purple and swollen and someone goes up and touches her face and it dents inwards...I feel physically sick just talking about it.

But then things were looking up...for a bit
23/30 in Chemistry NAB and 80% in Biology NAB 
Which I was overjoyed about...until I spoiled someone's game of Doodle Jump...

Never ruin someone's high score of Doodle Jump or they may dump you. In an indirect manner. Not because of the game. But it's a factor...

Yes so...I'm not sure at this moment in time what's happening. I am beyond anger with these damn in-laws and I hope they rot in hell for a very long time, next to pedophiles and the like. I'm just disgusted at everything and everyone in general. But J...I don't know what to say about him. I'm not sure how I feel. I know I don't want to break up. But I don't want these scum in-laws on my back constantly either. And this all just piles up and piles up and piles up (3 times so far) until I seriously can't take it anymore.

I need a holiday - Now.

Or I want to run away. Pack minimally and fly to France. Rent a Townhouse in Paris. Dye my hair and change my appearance, change my name to River. Smoke in sleepy bars at 3 am in the morning and nursing whiskey while I compose my latest poem. Writing my stories on the ledge of a little window looking out onto puddles on cobbled streets. Sleeping in a dingy flat with blue floral wallpaper and a single white bed. Painting in the middle of the street. Walking through Paris in the rain... I want to run away soo badly

But it's never going to happen.
I have to accept that. I'm not sure what I'm trying to clutch onto but I'm hoping it's a lot more valuable than straws.

J, Don't make me want to run away. Please don't let all this go. You can only step in the same water in a river once. I think it's the same for Fire too....

Ironic: Kathryn, the girl on fire was literally on fire!

I like fire. Or did...
It's pretty awesome. Or it was. I mean, my background on this is a flame! I liked the way the lighter burst into flames when I lit up. I liked the heat of fire and the flickering and the smell if you burned paper and wood. But I had a dream

It went a little like this:

I was on the hill a little up from my house, I saw a motorbike parked funny, jutting out to the oncoming traffic. I went to fix it and as I was moving the bike, a woman on a motorbike pulled up in traffic. I stopped to watch her and wasn't paying attention to the other traffic. She was dressed in a black dress, rather like a puritan woman, and she looked horribly sad. While I was distracted by her, a car came and hit the bike in my hands, it crashed into my bike and knocked the woman off of hers. As I was rising off the ground, another car came and hit the other car, setting itself alight with flames  along with the two bikes. But the woman had gone.
It went up in flames and caught onto me as I was standing up and I can still hear my own screams when I was on fire. I woke up checking for burns....

Yeah pretty scary
So now I have developed Pyrophobia which is weird

Just when I wanted it as my mutant X-men power... I'm kidding actually I want telekinesis (moving shit with your mind) that or shapeshift like Mystique...Then maybe throwing fireballs...

But not now...



Moving swiftly on....



The reason I made a mention to The Hunger Games is because Jordan said Katniss reminds him of me. Hey it's a good comparison, it could have been something awful lol.

So yes, I think my religion quickly deteriorated in the past few weeks. I find Pantheism is for me - it's like animism, appreciating all nature, that we're a part of nature, not the pinnacle of nature but only a mere cog in it's clock. Also, everything has a soul and I believe not in a god, but a universe, that everything is controlled by this universe and it is affected by our energy or mind focusing e.g if you focus on thinking about someone you care about and you're worried about them, I believe the universe balances it out by helping this person - rather like prayers. The universe needs to be balanced and everything matters.


it's like Hippie Kathryn has escaped again....

Could be a good thing...

Means longer hair and no more goddamned belts on jeans....

I hate belts!

Like I hate people that talk at the cinema...

They're restrictive pieces of crap!!!

People of the world, throw out your belts!!!

They're like the in-laws, they should be thrown out with all the other rubbish of the world....

Yes, I'm talking to you....*glares* e.e

Goodbye peeps :P
xxxx

Hey Jude, let it be a revolution across the universe!

So, perhaps I have my up-days and down-days. Today I think began on a high as I had double art first period and it was sunny and I was listening to the Beatles, Hey Jude and I'd gotten my EMA (education maintenance allowance) the previous day. But it feels its slowly starting to suck, like all the other days. I don't think it helps that I'm on here when I have 6 pieces of homework to do, all equally important for higher. Perhaps its the curse of 9/11... May I say now, here is a little mention to all the people that died and suffered during 9/11 and after.

It can get really hard. And it's difficult to word in person. So vocally I usually just say "I'm fine" or "It doesn't matter." But it does matter, a lot. Sometimes I wish people were slightly telepathic to emotions. It would save me a lot of time and effort. The grief hits at random times as well. Just even thinking about it can make me want to cry. It's just been so hard and not going up for a while makes it so much worse. She knocks stuff down in the house you know. Occasionally, things that weren't about to fall over.

There's so much stress and work with Higher work. Right now I just want to go to bed. And not bother. But I have to or I'll get kept in, cause teachers don't care if you've just lost a fucking limb, you do the homework if you want your lunch. And at this age, lunch goes so fast.

This is turned into a short post, because I need to at least try this homework. But the reason for the title is my new re-found love of the Beatles, especially Hey Jude, I've been humming it all day!

I also re-watched Across the Universe movie which is a story based around the Beatles songs and its great! Peace out all and listen to some Beatles!


xxx

Feeling a little "blue" ?

Today I felt a little better so I decided to post a photo of my latest artwork 
It was inspired by Picasso's "blue period" which occurred after his best friend, Casagemas, drunkenly shot himself in a bar in front of Picasso and other friends, because of - have you guessed it? - unrequited love...

Yeah

Poor old Casagemas 

So I was inspired by that to show the emotion of the aftermath of my Mum dying in my art with Picasso's idea of course

Here we go

I sketched first then used watercolour pencils and paints and went over the pencil with water

Hope you like it. This is what I was inspired by:

The leaves are beginning to die...

Hello again,
Well...it has been a while folks

[I must warn you this is a very dark and deep post. Take this seriously. Only read unless you are mentally prepared to read it]

I feel like this little lonely leaf

There have been changes too, including the progression in the seasons to one of my favourites: Autumn. I feel I can't really enjoy it though, but for note purposes and any of you that are interested, my favourite month to be exact is October. Possibly because its when the temperature here (Glasgow) Is just right for me, that sort of damp, cool, light rain, and the colourful yet dying leaves all around us. And the smell; warm, fragrant for some reason. Also, Halloween, my favourite and now only holiday I celebrate. I used to believe it was a season of changes, physical and mental, of shedding one's theoretical skin and renewal of self. Hm. I can't quite view it this way with Death Spectacles on. Hm. It's not been fun...

This blog feels very close to my inner self. I suppose it's a creator thing and being proud of your work but I'm sure it's more. I feel I can reveal all my feelings when others in the big bad world would find them somewhat distasteful. Well I punch distasteful in the face. Hard. With knuckledusters. Till it keels over. Bloody and disorientated...
Yeah, something like that.
I'm not afraid to be afraid here. Which is good. Possibly one of my few outlets.



The last time I wrote a proper post, excluding the mini post about Baby Emma, was during the summer holidays. Hm. They did not turn out how I'd planned. I guess I should have learned from Heath Ledger's Joker "Plans always go wrong" motto. The good ole' in-laws became so damn fucking awkward I was limited to a handful of visits. Which also usually involved some kind of pay-off with work or something. Fuck off.
So that went shit. I've really had enough of that now. Their behaviour is really well passed getting on my tits...Besides, all this fake-ass polite shit. Why bother? Seriously. No skin off my back

And life is just getting on top of me. Summer was a fail. I did nothing of significance. I will remember it only for it being THEE shitest summer OF MY LIFE. Sweet sixteen my ass! Suck my oversized dick, age cliche!!! I got my exam results. Meh. Average. Intermediate Twos. 4 A's, 2 B's, 2 C's. Some I'm appealing but it doesn't look hopeful. Whatever.

I just feel worse than before. Worse than the real bad stuff. But no one knows about it this time. And there's no one to help me. And I feel like every time I do try to hint at it or say something, the words dry up into sand and I can't say a word about it. I can't scream anymore. And I damn well can't shout either. This doesn't feel like me anymore. I'm missing this serious part of me, that sounds so cliche but my Mum was my world. I've always been very close with my friends all my life, friends in general but she was my first ever best friend, my friend that stayed with me always no matter what happened. And there's so much I never got to say to her and vice versa. I can't cook shit. She was going to teach me these things and that burns a hole in my personality. Or at least, that is what it feels like inside.

I think I'm slowly withering away along with her. I have been trying soo hard to keep everything together but it still feels temporary..like she's coming back. That I'll turn around in the kitchen and she'll be coming back in from Sainsbury's (food shop) with all the heavy bags in two hands of course, because no obstacle kept her down. I can even hear the rustling just thinking about it. And Her calling that she's back. Or I'll wake up one random Saturday after a long lie, it's in the afternoon, and she's bringing me cheese sandwiches and a white iced doughnut and telling me to wake up gently, and eat my food, Angel. I really have a problem. I can't admit when something's over and I know this is all over now. But I don't want it to be. And my subconscious is making it not real. And I'm letting it.

I'm terribly lonely. I told her everything all the secrets and just...everything. Even just chit-chat. Her laughing. I have no one to talk to. And sure, people, friends etc. they all offer support and time to chat. But it's far from the same. No one just understands. No one knows me like she did. No one can fix things like she did. Or smell like she did. Or laugh like she did. And most certainly, no one can hug like she did.

No one cares. I mean they do but they also don't in a way. One word mentioned from me of anything remotely related to my Mum and they all look like this:

And it's really beginning to get on my nerves....
*yes I love futurama, another post some time*
So I stop mentioning her in front of them. And I bottle it up. It stays there, festering and biting and tearing away at me. Till no matter what is coming out my mouth, or how my face is expressed or how silent I am, how happy I seem...My soul is screaming inside.

And I want to talk about her. And I want to cry more about it. And I want to talk to her at the grave, out loud. And I want to curl up and forget about homework and the in-laws and all my friends and all the drama and just fall apart. But no one will let me. I can't cut no more. They think bad of it. No matter how many times I cry or something this stress just isn't going away. Nothing's working.

While I'm like this, I'm teaching others you're never alone. But right now, I really am.
And no one will let me break apart and just blow away in the dust. I'm not strong anymore. I think I lost that a few cries ago. I can't break down. Because clothes need to be washed. And they need to be ironed and folded. And dinner has to be made. Phones have to be answered, homework has to be completed, subjects need to be studied, Art folios need to be handed in, English essays redrafted, school ties tied, hair needs to be washed, Jokes need to be laughed at, friends need to be smiled at, sufficient sleep needs to be attained. Six o' clock the alarm clock goes off and by seven, I'm definately up. I need to get dressed, I need to get together and leave. Get the bus. Act cheery. Perhaps I'm choosing the wrong career path. I could act quite convincingly.

I need to smile for these people and put on a good show. Laugh too loud and look happy. Like my life isn't torn apart. Like I don't wish it was me that died in her place. Like I don't want to just lie down in the middle of the road and never ever get up. I'm like this Autumn leave, just rotting away and people walk passed, not noticing or not caring.

Maybe by next Autumn, things will look up. I miss you terribly, my Angel.
I wish you never had to leave me
xxx

Goodbye folks and this was just a release. Don't worry about me too much. I'm still alive aren't I.
Bye x