S'up readers! Long time no talk with my brothers!
You may have presumed I was dead...well for those who did, I'm not...
Or am I? What if I'm a ghost and this is a dream that I'm alive and I'm not? Wait - do dead people dream? Hm. That is a question for the next post perhaps...
Anyways, I'm wayy off topic.
I was trying to think of a particular topic as usual to please you people (*tugs at collar* whoa, tough crowd) but I couldn't think of one unfortunately. Perhaps business is one. Hope my spelling is correct. I'll be upset if it is not.
So being busy. I am busy. I am very busy. I'm so busy it's coming out of my eyeballs. Ew. I should get that seen to. No, really I am. There has been hectic chaos since Mum died and two days it will be the 2 month anniversary (3rd of May, remember) and life can get messy when things like that happen. I've went through a bit of a "not had my head screwed on" phase and that possibly resulted to some hard times for J too, that was unkind. This is one bit where I want to stress the importance of believing in yourself, your loved ones that you trust and your own choices. Sure, from time to time we all make the wrong ones, some people make more than others because they're unlucky/unhappy etc. but quite commonly a factor is other people. My favourite quote (or one of them):
Hell is other people
-Jean Paul Satre
So I must stress this point a lot: don't be afraid to take back an opinion/option/choice if you want to. Who do you have to answer to? Sure, yourself. And your God if you're religious. But who else, really must spy into your relationships, your life? Why give them presedence? Why give them a key in the first place? TRUST YOUR INSTINCT.
Anyways, after that lecture.... As I was saying, I had a bout of being a little drifty-zombie-like. suppose thats normal. But I didn't want it to be the spiral like last time. You know how it's like, brothers. (No offence, I'm addressing you ladies too) If you don't, I hope you never know what I mean. Really...Don't get like that. You are never alone either. So I didn't get like that I don't think, or not to a bad extent anyways. I have friends (what I call my family) so I have my family checking up on that and keeping it all controlled. So don't worry about me. I'm doing rather well actually.
I'm in my "busy" phase. Possibly more so because it's Summer (THANK THE LORD) and Summer 2012 for that, and my Summer while being what the youth call "sweet sixteen" (is it all that sweet?) and also the Summer I actually have a boyfriend (again THANK THE LORD) and an awesome one for that ! also, I'm actually not such a wimp anymore (well, just a bit) and also the exams are done (HALLELUJAH) and if the weather stays nice, I have a bet or plan to go out as much as possible, so far spent only one day in the house! wooh! That's a lot of ANDs. In fact screw the nice weather, this is Glasgow, and I happen to like the rain. NON-CONFORMITY FTW. (I joke because saying that IS conformity) Oh, I'm a funny lad.
I've been going a lot of walks too, with my friend who shall be known on this as simply just Scott, which is actually his name funnily enough. That or we name him Batman. He is good company so here is a little shout-out to my buddy! x
Also I plan to go to M&D's with my friend, M. And I plan to go nuts and try and go on everything hopefully. And eat a lot. Oh another of my concerns, I know I am not fat. I'm just heavy built. Only thing is how does one go about being "not-heavily built" ?
So, yes, I have been very busy. And I've been starting Higher courses too and worriedly thinking about my Forensics prospective career and where to stay and finances and whether its even worth bothering to send a portfolio to The Glasgow Fucking Poncy School of Controlled Art. Yes, I don't like placing my art in a box. And I hate those people. I visited it once in primary school and swore I'd never join that scumbag cult (they harmed animals) nor would I do the art they told me to....but I'm worried what if I can't go to Dundee for some weird reason? What if I suck at Forensics or it's too difficult or something? I mean I always said I had my art to fall back on. Hm. This is driving me insane! Also, what happens if I screw up and me and J aren't together and I can't afford the flat and I'm all alone in Dundee...But then again I don't really have anything left to keep me here in Glasgow, now that Mum's gone. Before, I said I'd visit her and meant it. But A grave is a little different I suppose. Wow. That was some rant
So yes I am also in that "PANIC ABOUT FUTURE" phase. And also I really want a job. Someone give me a job. Something that pays a lot. Please.
But yes, I picked Higher Art! Yay! It's the best. For my Expressive Unit, I'm doing the theme of "Ophelia" (y'know, from Hamlet (of which I've never read)) and she kills herself because her lover doesn't lover her (been there, eh girls?) and drowns in a river but covers herself in flower so it's all very tragically beautiful. How the heck am I meant to pull that off by using my own ugly-mug?? anyways, I like my portraits so far. They look odd but in a good way, odd. Apparently portraiture is my "calling" in art. Oh right. Sure thing, teacher.
Also of course I have been thinking about life in general. My big cousin and his fiance are to have their first baby (it's a girl!!!) on around July 20th. But my Uncle (her grampa)'s birthday is the 24th and his sister, my Mum her birthday is the 22nd. So we think she'll be born on someone's birthday! I thought that would be cute. Also they have names but are keeping it a surprise! Can't wait to meet my new baby (2nd) cousin! Hehe she'll be so cute I bet. And religion too a bit. Like how I hope I do good enough in this world for my God to be happy with me.
Of course, death, mainly. Not as grimly as you may think. Well....sort of and I apologise. But if most of that side of my family have all died at age 56 or around abouts, what if I'm the same? What if I can feel it like a clock in my head? I keep thinking "40 years left" and I know my family hate it. Especially J, it really bother him I know. But I can't help it. And at least I shall get to tell all my loved ones the things I need and want to, a chance the nurses robbed my Mum of. Is it so bad to appreciate those 40 years left on that clock? Hey, I may be wrong (I'm really not) and so at least I have done a lot in my life. And that then lends onto the "best age to have kids" problem. J says 22. But what if I'm right? That would mean my ELDEST kid would be 33. And most people have 2 or 3 years between kids. So what if one of them is only just 20 or something? thats why I worry so much about that. People would never have the balls to ask, what's it like to think you won't live to see your granchildren? Yeah. Mental. My Mum never got to see hers, either.
It's a sad world. I have an even sadder mind. I'm not scared of death. Come get it bro. Actually don't. Please don't. Okay, maybe I'm scared a bit. It's a whole new concept, ain't it? I dunno what I'm signed up for out there. I could be in for eternal torture or eternal happiness (thats unlikely seeing as I'd need J for that) But all I can say is I can see my Mum. I hope. And my creator if there is one. I hope. I'm scared a little about the process and the pain. I reeeeaaalllly don't want cancer. It's a really horrid process. You don't even want to see my memories for my Mum's death. Worse than the scariest horror movie you've ever scene. It's sick and disgusting and twisted and if I sit and think of it for too long, I would most assuredly go insane. More so than I already am. And I don't want to end like that. I don't want my family to see that and I'm not sure if I like the thought of rotting in the ground. But no one gonna cremate me either. I kinda need my organs (refer to first post for my belief system if you're interested)
And what if I die before that. In a car accident. Or something else a bit random. And J has to bury me. That's not gonna be fun. Oh gosh, I'm prattling on and on about death. Whoops sorry. I'm just worried.
I would like to think I'm keeping busy in a good way. I would post my poetry work, but I worry it would get stolen and edited. So for now, I shall wait until they are published and I'll link you all. That's if that ever happens. My artwork, I shall keep you updated with. Also, Keeping enjoying life, folks. And hold on to your youth! Here's the sky outside right now, It's looking rather sweet. Here this is for you to enjoy. Good luck with all endeavours and I shall post more!
Quick para for J:
I love you, you should know that. And I miss you like crazy and yes it is possible for someone to be busy but think about you every single second. Yeah I'm a woman and a multi-tasker. Be jealous. <3 xxx
Bye guys xxx
