Hey Jude, let it be a revolution across the universe!

So, perhaps I have my up-days and down-days. Today I think began on a high as I had double art first period and it was sunny and I was listening to the Beatles, Hey Jude and I'd gotten my EMA (education maintenance allowance) the previous day. But it feels its slowly starting to suck, like all the other days. I don't think it helps that I'm on here when I have 6 pieces of homework to do, all equally important for higher. Perhaps its the curse of 9/11... May I say now, here is a little mention to all the people that died and suffered during 9/11 and after.

It can get really hard. And it's difficult to word in person. So vocally I usually just say "I'm fine" or "It doesn't matter." But it does matter, a lot. Sometimes I wish people were slightly telepathic to emotions. It would save me a lot of time and effort. The grief hits at random times as well. Just even thinking about it can make me want to cry. It's just been so hard and not going up for a while makes it so much worse. She knocks stuff down in the house you know. Occasionally, things that weren't about to fall over.

There's so much stress and work with Higher work. Right now I just want to go to bed. And not bother. But I have to or I'll get kept in, cause teachers don't care if you've just lost a fucking limb, you do the homework if you want your lunch. And at this age, lunch goes so fast.

This is turned into a short post, because I need to at least try this homework. But the reason for the title is my new re-found love of the Beatles, especially Hey Jude, I've been humming it all day!

I also re-watched Across the Universe movie which is a story based around the Beatles songs and its great! Peace out all and listen to some Beatles!


xxx

Feeling a little "blue" ?

Today I felt a little better so I decided to post a photo of my latest artwork 
It was inspired by Picasso's "blue period" which occurred after his best friend, Casagemas, drunkenly shot himself in a bar in front of Picasso and other friends, because of - have you guessed it? - unrequited love...

Yeah

Poor old Casagemas 

So I was inspired by that to show the emotion of the aftermath of my Mum dying in my art with Picasso's idea of course

Here we go

I sketched first then used watercolour pencils and paints and went over the pencil with water

Hope you like it. This is what I was inspired by:

The leaves are beginning to die...

Hello again,
Well...it has been a while folks

[I must warn you this is a very dark and deep post. Take this seriously. Only read unless you are mentally prepared to read it]

I feel like this little lonely leaf

There have been changes too, including the progression in the seasons to one of my favourites: Autumn. I feel I can't really enjoy it though, but for note purposes and any of you that are interested, my favourite month to be exact is October. Possibly because its when the temperature here (Glasgow) Is just right for me, that sort of damp, cool, light rain, and the colourful yet dying leaves all around us. And the smell; warm, fragrant for some reason. Also, Halloween, my favourite and now only holiday I celebrate. I used to believe it was a season of changes, physical and mental, of shedding one's theoretical skin and renewal of self. Hm. I can't quite view it this way with Death Spectacles on. Hm. It's not been fun...

This blog feels very close to my inner self. I suppose it's a creator thing and being proud of your work but I'm sure it's more. I feel I can reveal all my feelings when others in the big bad world would find them somewhat distasteful. Well I punch distasteful in the face. Hard. With knuckledusters. Till it keels over. Bloody and disorientated...
Yeah, something like that.
I'm not afraid to be afraid here. Which is good. Possibly one of my few outlets.



The last time I wrote a proper post, excluding the mini post about Baby Emma, was during the summer holidays. Hm. They did not turn out how I'd planned. I guess I should have learned from Heath Ledger's Joker "Plans always go wrong" motto. The good ole' in-laws became so damn fucking awkward I was limited to a handful of visits. Which also usually involved some kind of pay-off with work or something. Fuck off.
So that went shit. I've really had enough of that now. Their behaviour is really well passed getting on my tits...Besides, all this fake-ass polite shit. Why bother? Seriously. No skin off my back

And life is just getting on top of me. Summer was a fail. I did nothing of significance. I will remember it only for it being THEE shitest summer OF MY LIFE. Sweet sixteen my ass! Suck my oversized dick, age cliche!!! I got my exam results. Meh. Average. Intermediate Twos. 4 A's, 2 B's, 2 C's. Some I'm appealing but it doesn't look hopeful. Whatever.

I just feel worse than before. Worse than the real bad stuff. But no one knows about it this time. And there's no one to help me. And I feel like every time I do try to hint at it or say something, the words dry up into sand and I can't say a word about it. I can't scream anymore. And I damn well can't shout either. This doesn't feel like me anymore. I'm missing this serious part of me, that sounds so cliche but my Mum was my world. I've always been very close with my friends all my life, friends in general but she was my first ever best friend, my friend that stayed with me always no matter what happened. And there's so much I never got to say to her and vice versa. I can't cook shit. She was going to teach me these things and that burns a hole in my personality. Or at least, that is what it feels like inside.

I think I'm slowly withering away along with her. I have been trying soo hard to keep everything together but it still feels temporary..like she's coming back. That I'll turn around in the kitchen and she'll be coming back in from Sainsbury's (food shop) with all the heavy bags in two hands of course, because no obstacle kept her down. I can even hear the rustling just thinking about it. And Her calling that she's back. Or I'll wake up one random Saturday after a long lie, it's in the afternoon, and she's bringing me cheese sandwiches and a white iced doughnut and telling me to wake up gently, and eat my food, Angel. I really have a problem. I can't admit when something's over and I know this is all over now. But I don't want it to be. And my subconscious is making it not real. And I'm letting it.

I'm terribly lonely. I told her everything all the secrets and just...everything. Even just chit-chat. Her laughing. I have no one to talk to. And sure, people, friends etc. they all offer support and time to chat. But it's far from the same. No one just understands. No one knows me like she did. No one can fix things like she did. Or smell like she did. Or laugh like she did. And most certainly, no one can hug like she did.

No one cares. I mean they do but they also don't in a way. One word mentioned from me of anything remotely related to my Mum and they all look like this:

And it's really beginning to get on my nerves....
*yes I love futurama, another post some time*
So I stop mentioning her in front of them. And I bottle it up. It stays there, festering and biting and tearing away at me. Till no matter what is coming out my mouth, or how my face is expressed or how silent I am, how happy I seem...My soul is screaming inside.

And I want to talk about her. And I want to cry more about it. And I want to talk to her at the grave, out loud. And I want to curl up and forget about homework and the in-laws and all my friends and all the drama and just fall apart. But no one will let me. I can't cut no more. They think bad of it. No matter how many times I cry or something this stress just isn't going away. Nothing's working.

While I'm like this, I'm teaching others you're never alone. But right now, I really am.
And no one will let me break apart and just blow away in the dust. I'm not strong anymore. I think I lost that a few cries ago. I can't break down. Because clothes need to be washed. And they need to be ironed and folded. And dinner has to be made. Phones have to be answered, homework has to be completed, subjects need to be studied, Art folios need to be handed in, English essays redrafted, school ties tied, hair needs to be washed, Jokes need to be laughed at, friends need to be smiled at, sufficient sleep needs to be attained. Six o' clock the alarm clock goes off and by seven, I'm definately up. I need to get dressed, I need to get together and leave. Get the bus. Act cheery. Perhaps I'm choosing the wrong career path. I could act quite convincingly.

I need to smile for these people and put on a good show. Laugh too loud and look happy. Like my life isn't torn apart. Like I don't wish it was me that died in her place. Like I don't want to just lie down in the middle of the road and never ever get up. I'm like this Autumn leave, just rotting away and people walk passed, not noticing or not caring.

Maybe by next Autumn, things will look up. I miss you terribly, my Angel.
I wish you never had to leave me
xxx

Goodbye folks and this was just a release. Don't worry about me too much. I'm still alive aren't I.
Bye x

Good News!

This is a quick update to say that my cousin and his fiance had their baby girl on 10th of July and her name is Emma! She's absolutely gorgeous (she's my second cousin) I love her to pieces and wish them all the best for their family!


I look forward to babysitting some time haha!


<<Emma>>  (._.)

The Grim Reaper is your friend

Every minute you breathe, someone else is struggling to do so. Every minute, someone dies. We lead our little sorry lives so carefully, so protected, in such fear. Of what? Of death.
Death. What is death?


We die. It's a natural part of life. But to answer all these questions we must ask more: What is life?
Life, we exist, then we are born a screaming tiny helpless baby. From that moment on, we must struggle our whole lives to continue existing in this form. But why?
Well ladies and gentlemen, we constantly wish to evade death. We perceive death as another realm, something evil, something scary and new and we don't know what to expect. It seems dark, horrid, terrifying that this "force" will drag us away from our loved ones in this realm to another, one where there are fewer rules. One where we may meet our ruler/creator/master, or we may meet our eternal doom. In exact words, our life is no longer ours to control.


We spend every second fearful of this "event", this "force" and we try to evade it for as long as possible. But we are wrong in doing so. For the moment, when I say death, think of natural deaths such as heart attacks, lung disease, old age, cancer...
(I shall come to deaths such as suicides, car crashes, murders etc. shortly)


So, we feel we must evade this. We watch over our children like eagles and they get sick, we freak. Of course we do. It's a natural response. But we do not understand death anymore. I believe we once did. But that view has become corrupted and tainted. Let me explain.


What if, death is not the end, but merely the beginning of a journey? What if death is "ascension" ?
To specify, Ascension is:


The act of rising to a higher or important level





So, most believe (usually religious) (but sometimes people from the scientific community) that ascension is becoming of a higher form, a higher being or consciousness. In my theory, I believe this "occurrence" this "process" is when your being/soul/spirit becomes of a higher form, to what may be considered a deity or "demi-god" to those very religious.



So, in my theory, death is this process occurring. We are in the process of dying and - in my beliefs and in this theory of mine, Monolatry (the acceptance of the existence of many gods and deities but the worship of one deemed solely worthy of worship) we have somehow fallen from God or he has chosen to cast us down to this world which is a test of our loyalty and purity of heart. So, we are given this test and when he deems us ready for the main test - the pain of death is what this ultimate process is. He picks people (the ones we know to be dying) as they in his eyes have completed something or some task unknown to us all. Or perhaps he sees something about them that they are strong enough. Our ultimate test is being put through physical pain for death. Our body begins to shut down, rid us of human restrictions such as sustenance (the need and ability to drink, intake food), swallow, breathe, pass waste. We are in fact becoming less weak. We are becoming something more than human. 


So if we successfully die, we are ready and pure of spirit and mind to be God's chosen people. We then are ascended into more complex beings. Some may say deities, some gods, angels, ghosts.


So, what happens if we do not die naturally?
Well, if we take snippets of religious texts (periods in history will always have laws/opinions that corrupt these texts such as women were looked down upon) God looks poorly on suicide. We are not supposed to take our own life. Perhaps because he does not deem us fit enough for this test. It's like sitting an exam you haven't studied for, a subject you've never been taught. The same if you are murdered, killed in a car accident, etc. Your spirit is not ready to be tested. So where do these beings go when they have ascended? Because they have not ascended properly as they were not ready. So what does God do in this predicament?


We've all heard of Purgatory or Limbo. I never believed these to be separate personally. Others do, but going with my theory, they are one. Its a place where these souls that were not yet ready for God's ultimate test of faith are put, until they are ready. The inner workings of this, I have not quite yet figured yet. Leave that for another post someday when I'm struck by another brilliant epiphany.

A good question in this is:

What if we murder?

Referring back to another snippet of religious text, the story of Cain and Able. You don't really need to know the inner workings of the story apart from they were brothers and Cain killed Able. He was "the first man to kill" But there is an odd thing that God says afterwards. Before this event, no person has heard of murder, known the consequence (that person dying) etc. So, then God says something along the lines of but if any man is to kill Cain (for killing Able) he shall die 7 times over. Bit of an odd thing to say. Actually it's not. Think about it. Before Cain killed Able, the only deaths were of old age, or of eating poisonous food etc. So God was the one dishing out the tests. Until Cain did the unthinkable. So as an example now to humanity he said I don't want anyone doing what he just did. And if you do, He's punishing murderers to (reincarnation I think) have to pass his test 7 times over. They have to experience 7 times the pain. They also must endure 7 lifetimes and pass the test 7 times before God will deem them fit.

Of course, if you accidentally hit someone with your car because they stepped off the pavement at the wrong time or something, that is not murder, its accidental death. I believe it would be considered the same as suicide. Only no ones fault, just clumsiness on both sides. This is not to say that medicines and doctors and surgery is all bad. But searching for eternal life will only bring about more pain and pain of all kinds. We do not permanently belong in this realm. We are destined to leave it, like a bird is destined to leave its nest and fly.

Overall, we should not fear death. It is irrational to shelter ourselves and try to desperately to live here in this realm as long as possible, as healthy as possible, as far from death as possible. But this is not what was meant for us. We should embrace death as our companion, something special like a sort of retirement. When we are ready, God (or whatever you wish to call this force) will select us to test our purity of spirit and heart. So when we are ready and succeed in ascending to him, this is a good thing, we have proved loyal and good enough to be one of his chosen people.

We must live in this realm as happy and free as possible. And strive to get to that point where we will be ready for such a great thing. And then we will move into another realm, to live our lives as higher energies, higher beings in a place where hopefully, our suffering has ended for good.

When they're away you just wait for them to get back

Hey readers,
I feel I am obligated to write to you more, especially since it is Summer, I have a lot more free time and I've neglecting this blog quite a bit. So here we go, here we fucking go...
Sorry, Song references are so tempting nowadays...


Anyways, I feel I have not mentioned J enough or in much detail to be honest. Well maybe I have and I rant about him endlessly and just don't realise. If that happens to be the case, send me some meds, I may be needing them....One bottle's fine.


So, as I was saying, before I rudely interrupted myself (is it possible to do that to yourself?) but anyways, you may or may not already know the deal that J's parents don't like me and he's not even allowed to talk on the phone until after his 2 week holiday which he's not even on yet! So I am very bored and lonely...


Couples will know what I mean with this. You have this terrible pull to be with them and you can't and thats really horrible, like mental torture...
I suppose you have to be thankful that they're alive and healthy and not dead...
APPRECIATE YOUR LOVED ONES! <3


But yes, he is a 5ft7 blondie who used to have lovely blonde curls but he keeps getting raped by scissors! Which if I'm honest makes me very sad....I really like the curls *sobs*
And he's a total gayboy wimp. Yes, I'm kidding. *whispers* I'm really not!*
Haha. Nah. He is a big softie and lovely and a wee charming prick. Really he's a wee charmer. Like his daddy ahaha No. I'm kidding. He's just a wee charmer.


I'm wondering if it's only me that has problematic in-laws?
I doubt it. There's probably a sect of them all. Scattered across the earth...
WE MUST DESTROY THEM! D:


bye xxx






P.S this is "our song" y'know couples have a song... So here it is

<3

Now guess who's back got a brand new rant....

S'up readers! Long time no talk with my brothers! 

You may have presumed I was dead...well for those who did, I'm not...

Or am I? What if I'm a ghost and this is a dream that I'm alive and I'm not? Wait - do dead people dream? Hm. That is a question for the next post perhaps...

Anyways, I'm wayy off topic.

I was trying to think of a particular topic as usual to please you people (*tugs at collar* whoa, tough crowd) but I couldn't think of one unfortunately. Perhaps business is one. Hope my spelling is correct. I'll be upset if it is not.

So being busy. I am busy. I am very busy. I'm so busy it's coming out of my eyeballs. Ew. I should get that seen to. No, really I am. There has been hectic chaos since Mum died and two days it will be the 2 month anniversary (3rd of May, remember) and life can get messy when things like that happen. I've went through a bit of a "not had my head screwed on" phase and that possibly resulted to some hard times for J too, that was unkind. This is one bit where I want to stress the importance of believing in yourself, your loved ones that you trust and your own choices. Sure, from time to time we all make the wrong ones, some people make more than others because they're unlucky/unhappy etc. but quite commonly a factor is other people. My favourite quote (or one of them):

Hell is other people

-Jean Paul Satre

So I must stress this point a lot: don't be afraid to take back an opinion/option/choice if you want to. Who do you have to answer to? Sure, yourself. And your God if you're religious. But who else, really must spy into your relationships, your life? Why give them presedence? Why give them a key in the first place? TRUST YOUR INSTINCT.

Anyways, after that lecture.... As I was saying, I had a bout of being a little drifty-zombie-like. suppose thats normal. But I didn't want it to be the spiral like last time. You know how it's like, brothers. (No offence, I'm addressing you ladies too) If you don't, I hope you never know what I mean. Really...Don't get like that. You are never alone either. So I didn't get like that I don't think, or not to a bad extent anyways. I have friends (what I call my family) so I have my family checking up on that and keeping it all controlled. So don't worry about me. I'm doing rather well actually.

I'm in my "busy" phase. Possibly more so because it's Summer (THANK THE LORD) and Summer 2012 for that, and my Summer while being what the youth call "sweet sixteen" (is it all that sweet?) and also the Summer I actually have a boyfriend (again THANK THE LORD) and an awesome one for that ! also, I'm actually not such a wimp anymore (well, just a bit) and also the exams are done (HALLELUJAH) and if the weather stays nice, I have a bet or plan to go out as much as possible, so far spent only one day in the house! wooh! That's a lot of ANDs. In fact screw the nice weather, this is Glasgow, and I happen to like the rain. NON-CONFORMITY FTW. (I joke because saying that IS conformity) Oh, I'm a funny lad.

I've been going a lot of walks too, with my friend who shall be known on this as simply just Scott, which is actually his name funnily enough. That or we name him Batman. He is good company so here is a little shout-out to my buddy! x
Also I plan to go to M&D's with my friend, M. And I plan to go nuts and try and go on everything hopefully. And eat a lot. Oh another of my concerns, I know I am not fat. I'm just heavy built. Only thing is how does one go about being "not-heavily built" ?


So, yes, I have been very busy. And I've been starting Higher courses too and worriedly thinking about my Forensics prospective career and where to stay and finances and whether its even worth bothering to send a portfolio to The Glasgow Fucking Poncy School of Controlled Art. Yes, I don't like placing my art in a box. And I hate those people. I visited it once in primary school and swore I'd never join that scumbag cult (they harmed animals) nor would I do the art they told me to....but I'm worried what if I can't go to Dundee for some weird reason? What if I suck at Forensics or it's too difficult or something? I mean I always said I had my art to fall back on. Hm. This is driving me insane! Also, what happens if I screw up and me and J aren't together and I can't afford the flat and I'm all alone in Dundee...But then again I don't really have anything left to keep me here in Glasgow, now that Mum's gone. Before, I said I'd visit her and meant it. But A grave is a little different I suppose. Wow. That was some rant


So yes I am also in that "PANIC ABOUT FUTURE" phase. And also I really want a job. Someone give me a job. Something that pays a lot. Please.


But yes, I picked Higher Art! Yay! It's the best. For my Expressive Unit, I'm doing the theme of "Ophelia" (y'know, from Hamlet (of which I've never read)) and she kills herself because her lover doesn't lover her (been there, eh girls?) and drowns in a river but covers herself in flower so it's all very tragically beautiful. How the heck am I meant to pull that off by using my own ugly-mug?? anyways, I like my portraits so far. They look odd but in a good way, odd. Apparently portraiture is my "calling" in art. Oh right. Sure thing, teacher.


Also of course I have been thinking about life in general. My big cousin and his fiance are to have their first baby (it's a girl!!!) on around July 20th. But my Uncle (her grampa)'s birthday is the 24th and his sister, my Mum her birthday is the 22nd. So we think she'll be born on someone's birthday! I thought that would be cute. Also they have names but are keeping it a surprise! Can't wait to meet my new baby (2nd) cousin! Hehe she'll be so cute I bet. And religion too a bit. Like how I hope I do good enough in this world for my God to be happy with me.


Of course, death, mainly. Not as grimly as you may think. Well....sort of and I apologise. But if most of that side of my family have all died at age 56 or around abouts, what if I'm the same? What if I can feel it like a clock in my head? I keep thinking "40 years left" and I know my family hate it. Especially J, it really bother him I know. But I can't help it. And at least I shall get to tell all my loved ones the things I need and want to, a chance the nurses robbed my Mum of. Is it so bad to appreciate those 40 years left on that clock? Hey, I may be wrong (I'm really not) and so at least I have done a lot in my life. And that then lends onto the "best age to have kids" problem. J says 22. But what if I'm right? That would mean my ELDEST kid would be 33. And most people have 2 or 3 years between kids. So what if one of them is only just 20 or something? thats why I worry so much about that. People would never have the balls to ask, what's it like to think you won't live to see your granchildren? Yeah. Mental. My Mum never got to see hers, either.


It's a sad world. I have an even sadder mind. I'm not scared of death. Come get it bro. Actually don't. Please don't. Okay, maybe I'm scared a bit. It's a whole new concept, ain't it? I dunno what I'm signed up for out there. I could be in for eternal torture or eternal happiness (thats unlikely seeing as I'd need J for that) But all I can say is I can see my Mum. I hope. And my creator if there is one. I hope. I'm scared a little about the process and the pain. I reeeeaaalllly don't want cancer. It's a really horrid process. You don't even want to see my memories for my Mum's death. Worse than the scariest horror movie you've ever scene. It's sick and disgusting and twisted and if I sit and think of it for too long, I would most assuredly go insane. More so than I already am. And I don't want to end like that. I don't want my family to see that and I'm not sure if I like the thought of rotting in the ground. But no one gonna cremate me either. I kinda need my organs (refer to first post for my belief system if you're interested)


And what if I die before that. In a car accident. Or something else a bit random. And J has to bury me. That's not gonna be fun. Oh gosh, I'm prattling on and on about death. Whoops sorry. I'm just worried.


I would like to think I'm keeping busy in a good way. I would post my poetry work, but I worry it would get stolen and edited. So for now, I shall wait until they are published and I'll link you all. That's if that ever happens. My artwork, I shall keep you updated with. Also, Keeping enjoying life, folks. And hold on to your youth! Here's the sky outside right now, It's looking rather sweet. Here this is for you to enjoy. Good luck with all endeavours and I shall post more!

Quick para for J:
I love you, you should know that. And I miss you like crazy and yes it is possible for someone to be busy but think about you every single second. Yeah I'm a woman and a multi-tasker. Be jealous. <3 xxx


Bye guys xxx