New Blog Moving to a New Blog !

Check it out!


http://just-a-slip-of-the-tongue.blogspot.co.uk/


xxx

New Blog

This will be the last post here. Google Chrome has blocked this for viruses apparently. So here's my new one:

http://bleeding-lips-and-blackened-hearts.blogspot.co.uk/

It's a lot darker than this blog so be warned that most posts may trigger, and it deals with themes such as anorexia, self harm and depression and is a lot more out-there. Just a heads up for you all.

All my love
Darkeyes
xxxx

Catharsis

So yes, I'm back I suppose. Not anything cheery to report really. There was one time where things did look up a bit near the end of 2012, but as usual, it was again time for another beating. Almost literally too.

I'm not going to divulged the full details on this blog because it's already escalated and rather messy. Not to mention I'm pretty humiliated, angry, depressed and upset about all this. So the break up....I continued to hurt myself, we got back together, found out there had been another girl, we stayed together everything was fine, Christmas and New Year were pretty depressing without Mum. So there I was, thinking this new year would be alright especially since 13 is my lucky number, always has been.

Oops.

Well lets just say his family have caused a lot of trouble, parents and the school were involved, a certain element of harassing, just a dash of invasion of privacy and a sprinkle of potential break up to the mixing bowl. 20 minutes at 200 degrees and hey presto, you have this situation.

So...I'll keep you posted on what happens I suppose. But don't expect me to be any cheerier than a Lion trapped in a cage with a sore head. Pretty much...

I'd rather not think about it too much. I feel depressed and stuff. I did more stupid things again. The reason for the title of this post. It's a Greek word - means outletting your emotions (such as grief, fear, sadness, anger) through art, writing or an activity in someway. My favourite English teacher wrote that on the bottom of my reflective essay I wrote about my Mum's passing. So I suppose this is a Catharsis. 

Thought we could do with a few of the hubble telescope pictures to look at something beautiful. Goodbye for now.

Looks like a cosmic butterfly!

Temporary Farewell

Do not fret my dear readers, for I will be back perhaps sometime in the new year. I need some breathing space right now at this moment in time. A lot of things happened today and they will have repercussions for the near future and the far away future. I've come to a point in my life where I feel everything I love has been unfairly stolen from me and I cannot deal with this prospect. So I'm trying to cut down on the internet use for the latter part of this God awful year and I'll keep my head down and study until it's over. There's not much else I can do now. I've gotten into a bad state today something in particular I hope never becomes a habit like the cutting; It could have led to much much worse and I'm pretty stupid for doing it. My Mum would be very disappointed and that is one thing I certainly did not set out to do in life. I want to make her proud and I'm finding it hard to cope with every situation cropping up. I seem to always speak too soon on this blog and I find that difficult to stomach - Hey, I'm a pessimist - And I find it hard, despite what I said in the previous post, to forgive and make peace with myself. You see today me and J broke up -but it's more than a break up to me. It's another part of my heart stolen. And one cannot live without a whole heart never mind no heart.

So I'm giving myself a break. I know I can never recover from the events in this year for the rest of my life and beyond, they will haunt me. But one cannot live in the past no matter how hard we try to cling on. I'm not sure where I see myself in life anymore. Career, family all such things have just disappeared in the click of someone's fingers from my mind. After what I did today, I'm not even sure I see myself in life at all. But that's another matter all together

Maybe the apocalypse will occur on 21st December 2012. I'd welcome it with open arms.
Less time waiting to see Mum.
Goodbye for now readers, I will be back soon

xxx

Traité De Paix Pour Moi, S'il Vous Plait

This is a time in which I feel I need to vent more and come to terms with certain things in my life and to figure things out in my head. The Translation of the title is "Treaty of Peace for me, please" and the reason for the title is the theme of this particular blog - Being at peace with oneself

I think this is something we could all benefit from. Society has, through its strength, brought about its own downfall. We don't accept ourselves - we strive throughout our lives to change ourselves, "better" ourselves, make ourselves more accepted by others but in doing so we have lost the true essence of our personality.

So, How do we make peace with ourselves?
I don't really have an answer for that. I'm just testing it out myself. After all that's happened and all that is going to happen probably on Monday then I think I could at least try to make peace with myself. All this time I've been what everyone else wants of me. Believe it or not, I don't like being loud, I don't like being a leader or standing out. And I've been that way because it's what other people have needed. For example, people in my family are all quite quiet people. So someone needed to be loud and talk for them. Others always need a leader. So I always step up for something but I don't like doing it. Inside I'm a quiet person. I like being left alone to myself.

So I'm trying to like myself better. I'm not sure where to begin, I think it starts with doing stuff I like. Or appearing how I want. I think my real self has always been in my art and my writing. I'm going to focus on these exams right now. They've been going well so far. Maybe if I work hard enough I can get the 5 A's. I know I want to do Forensics. I know I can do it despite what certain people say. It makes me doubt if I can do it but inside I know I can and my Mum did too. If i can't believe in myself I can believe that she did. Despite what happens Monday, I need to keep a clear mind. I'm not parasitic: I don't live off other things. I can easily stand on my own two feet. And maybe I've been letting myself down forgetting about my exams. Because I am smart, I'm not entirely stupid. I have a good capability to learn and I have been neglecting it. That's not to say I want me and J to break up.
But my point is, I think I've lost myself in this. I've had to much going on recently - I think I need to take one of those breaks y'know where someone isn't seen for the whole summer and comes back renewed and different. Although it's not summer, I could use the Christmas Holidays I think. I'm not planning on enjoying Christmas this year nor am I taking part in it. I may as well fix myself back together piece by piece. Like a gap year fit into one month.

So this is me making peace with my self. I'm sure there's a lot of people out there doing what I usually do, not being yourself. But you can't constrain to society for ever. Because society will never give you a break. So give yourself a break.

One thing I can say is, you won't find yourself in your other-half's eyes.




Peace out
xxx

Three Times A Charm: oh the fucking irony

I'm on fire again. Not only with test scores but with life in general!
You are fucking kidding me...
Get this:

The number three really isn't my lucky number. In fact I'm beginning to think everything is out to get me. And it's not paranoia this time... It really is true
Let's start at the beginning of today:

<< rewinds

Okay I wake up a little late in quite a good mood although the last second of my dream was shattered by finding my mother in a room on a morgue table all purple and swollen and someone goes up and touches her face and it dents inwards...I feel physically sick just talking about it.

But then things were looking up...for a bit
23/30 in Chemistry NAB and 80% in Biology NAB 
Which I was overjoyed about...until I spoiled someone's game of Doodle Jump...

Never ruin someone's high score of Doodle Jump or they may dump you. In an indirect manner. Not because of the game. But it's a factor...

Yes so...I'm not sure at this moment in time what's happening. I am beyond anger with these damn in-laws and I hope they rot in hell for a very long time, next to pedophiles and the like. I'm just disgusted at everything and everyone in general. But J...I don't know what to say about him. I'm not sure how I feel. I know I don't want to break up. But I don't want these scum in-laws on my back constantly either. And this all just piles up and piles up and piles up (3 times so far) until I seriously can't take it anymore.

I need a holiday - Now.

Or I want to run away. Pack minimally and fly to France. Rent a Townhouse in Paris. Dye my hair and change my appearance, change my name to River. Smoke in sleepy bars at 3 am in the morning and nursing whiskey while I compose my latest poem. Writing my stories on the ledge of a little window looking out onto puddles on cobbled streets. Sleeping in a dingy flat with blue floral wallpaper and a single white bed. Painting in the middle of the street. Walking through Paris in the rain... I want to run away soo badly

But it's never going to happen.
I have to accept that. I'm not sure what I'm trying to clutch onto but I'm hoping it's a lot more valuable than straws.

J, Don't make me want to run away. Please don't let all this go. You can only step in the same water in a river once. I think it's the same for Fire too....

Ironic: Kathryn, the girl on fire was literally on fire!

I like fire. Or did...
It's pretty awesome. Or it was. I mean, my background on this is a flame! I liked the way the lighter burst into flames when I lit up. I liked the heat of fire and the flickering and the smell if you burned paper and wood. But I had a dream

It went a little like this:

I was on the hill a little up from my house, I saw a motorbike parked funny, jutting out to the oncoming traffic. I went to fix it and as I was moving the bike, a woman on a motorbike pulled up in traffic. I stopped to watch her and wasn't paying attention to the other traffic. She was dressed in a black dress, rather like a puritan woman, and she looked horribly sad. While I was distracted by her, a car came and hit the bike in my hands, it crashed into my bike and knocked the woman off of hers. As I was rising off the ground, another car came and hit the other car, setting itself alight with flames  along with the two bikes. But the woman had gone.
It went up in flames and caught onto me as I was standing up and I can still hear my own screams when I was on fire. I woke up checking for burns....

Yeah pretty scary
So now I have developed Pyrophobia which is weird

Just when I wanted it as my mutant X-men power... I'm kidding actually I want telekinesis (moving shit with your mind) that or shapeshift like Mystique...Then maybe throwing fireballs...

But not now...



Moving swiftly on....



The reason I made a mention to The Hunger Games is because Jordan said Katniss reminds him of me. Hey it's a good comparison, it could have been something awful lol.

So yes, I think my religion quickly deteriorated in the past few weeks. I find Pantheism is for me - it's like animism, appreciating all nature, that we're a part of nature, not the pinnacle of nature but only a mere cog in it's clock. Also, everything has a soul and I believe not in a god, but a universe, that everything is controlled by this universe and it is affected by our energy or mind focusing e.g if you focus on thinking about someone you care about and you're worried about them, I believe the universe balances it out by helping this person - rather like prayers. The universe needs to be balanced and everything matters.


it's like Hippie Kathryn has escaped again....

Could be a good thing...

Means longer hair and no more goddamned belts on jeans....

I hate belts!

Like I hate people that talk at the cinema...

They're restrictive pieces of crap!!!

People of the world, throw out your belts!!!

They're like the in-laws, they should be thrown out with all the other rubbish of the world....

Yes, I'm talking to you....*glares* e.e

Goodbye peeps :P
xxxx

Hey Jude, let it be a revolution across the universe!

So, perhaps I have my up-days and down-days. Today I think began on a high as I had double art first period and it was sunny and I was listening to the Beatles, Hey Jude and I'd gotten my EMA (education maintenance allowance) the previous day. But it feels its slowly starting to suck, like all the other days. I don't think it helps that I'm on here when I have 6 pieces of homework to do, all equally important for higher. Perhaps its the curse of 9/11... May I say now, here is a little mention to all the people that died and suffered during 9/11 and after.

It can get really hard. And it's difficult to word in person. So vocally I usually just say "I'm fine" or "It doesn't matter." But it does matter, a lot. Sometimes I wish people were slightly telepathic to emotions. It would save me a lot of time and effort. The grief hits at random times as well. Just even thinking about it can make me want to cry. It's just been so hard and not going up for a while makes it so much worse. She knocks stuff down in the house you know. Occasionally, things that weren't about to fall over.

There's so much stress and work with Higher work. Right now I just want to go to bed. And not bother. But I have to or I'll get kept in, cause teachers don't care if you've just lost a fucking limb, you do the homework if you want your lunch. And at this age, lunch goes so fast.

This is turned into a short post, because I need to at least try this homework. But the reason for the title is my new re-found love of the Beatles, especially Hey Jude, I've been humming it all day!

I also re-watched Across the Universe movie which is a story based around the Beatles songs and its great! Peace out all and listen to some Beatles!


xxx

Feeling a little "blue" ?

Today I felt a little better so I decided to post a photo of my latest artwork 
It was inspired by Picasso's "blue period" which occurred after his best friend, Casagemas, drunkenly shot himself in a bar in front of Picasso and other friends, because of - have you guessed it? - unrequited love...

Yeah

Poor old Casagemas 

So I was inspired by that to show the emotion of the aftermath of my Mum dying in my art with Picasso's idea of course

Here we go

I sketched first then used watercolour pencils and paints and went over the pencil with water

Hope you like it. This is what I was inspired by:

The leaves are beginning to die...

Hello again,
Well...it has been a while folks

[I must warn you this is a very dark and deep post. Take this seriously. Only read unless you are mentally prepared to read it]

I feel like this little lonely leaf

There have been changes too, including the progression in the seasons to one of my favourites: Autumn. I feel I can't really enjoy it though, but for note purposes and any of you that are interested, my favourite month to be exact is October. Possibly because its when the temperature here (Glasgow) Is just right for me, that sort of damp, cool, light rain, and the colourful yet dying leaves all around us. And the smell; warm, fragrant for some reason. Also, Halloween, my favourite and now only holiday I celebrate. I used to believe it was a season of changes, physical and mental, of shedding one's theoretical skin and renewal of self. Hm. I can't quite view it this way with Death Spectacles on. Hm. It's not been fun...

This blog feels very close to my inner self. I suppose it's a creator thing and being proud of your work but I'm sure it's more. I feel I can reveal all my feelings when others in the big bad world would find them somewhat distasteful. Well I punch distasteful in the face. Hard. With knuckledusters. Till it keels over. Bloody and disorientated...
Yeah, something like that.
I'm not afraid to be afraid here. Which is good. Possibly one of my few outlets.



The last time I wrote a proper post, excluding the mini post about Baby Emma, was during the summer holidays. Hm. They did not turn out how I'd planned. I guess I should have learned from Heath Ledger's Joker "Plans always go wrong" motto. The good ole' in-laws became so damn fucking awkward I was limited to a handful of visits. Which also usually involved some kind of pay-off with work or something. Fuck off.
So that went shit. I've really had enough of that now. Their behaviour is really well passed getting on my tits...Besides, all this fake-ass polite shit. Why bother? Seriously. No skin off my back

And life is just getting on top of me. Summer was a fail. I did nothing of significance. I will remember it only for it being THEE shitest summer OF MY LIFE. Sweet sixteen my ass! Suck my oversized dick, age cliche!!! I got my exam results. Meh. Average. Intermediate Twos. 4 A's, 2 B's, 2 C's. Some I'm appealing but it doesn't look hopeful. Whatever.

I just feel worse than before. Worse than the real bad stuff. But no one knows about it this time. And there's no one to help me. And I feel like every time I do try to hint at it or say something, the words dry up into sand and I can't say a word about it. I can't scream anymore. And I damn well can't shout either. This doesn't feel like me anymore. I'm missing this serious part of me, that sounds so cliche but my Mum was my world. I've always been very close with my friends all my life, friends in general but she was my first ever best friend, my friend that stayed with me always no matter what happened. And there's so much I never got to say to her and vice versa. I can't cook shit. She was going to teach me these things and that burns a hole in my personality. Or at least, that is what it feels like inside.

I think I'm slowly withering away along with her. I have been trying soo hard to keep everything together but it still feels temporary..like she's coming back. That I'll turn around in the kitchen and she'll be coming back in from Sainsbury's (food shop) with all the heavy bags in two hands of course, because no obstacle kept her down. I can even hear the rustling just thinking about it. And Her calling that she's back. Or I'll wake up one random Saturday after a long lie, it's in the afternoon, and she's bringing me cheese sandwiches and a white iced doughnut and telling me to wake up gently, and eat my food, Angel. I really have a problem. I can't admit when something's over and I know this is all over now. But I don't want it to be. And my subconscious is making it not real. And I'm letting it.

I'm terribly lonely. I told her everything all the secrets and just...everything. Even just chit-chat. Her laughing. I have no one to talk to. And sure, people, friends etc. they all offer support and time to chat. But it's far from the same. No one just understands. No one knows me like she did. No one can fix things like she did. Or smell like she did. Or laugh like she did. And most certainly, no one can hug like she did.

No one cares. I mean they do but they also don't in a way. One word mentioned from me of anything remotely related to my Mum and they all look like this:

And it's really beginning to get on my nerves....
*yes I love futurama, another post some time*
So I stop mentioning her in front of them. And I bottle it up. It stays there, festering and biting and tearing away at me. Till no matter what is coming out my mouth, or how my face is expressed or how silent I am, how happy I seem...My soul is screaming inside.

And I want to talk about her. And I want to cry more about it. And I want to talk to her at the grave, out loud. And I want to curl up and forget about homework and the in-laws and all my friends and all the drama and just fall apart. But no one will let me. I can't cut no more. They think bad of it. No matter how many times I cry or something this stress just isn't going away. Nothing's working.

While I'm like this, I'm teaching others you're never alone. But right now, I really am.
And no one will let me break apart and just blow away in the dust. I'm not strong anymore. I think I lost that a few cries ago. I can't break down. Because clothes need to be washed. And they need to be ironed and folded. And dinner has to be made. Phones have to be answered, homework has to be completed, subjects need to be studied, Art folios need to be handed in, English essays redrafted, school ties tied, hair needs to be washed, Jokes need to be laughed at, friends need to be smiled at, sufficient sleep needs to be attained. Six o' clock the alarm clock goes off and by seven, I'm definately up. I need to get dressed, I need to get together and leave. Get the bus. Act cheery. Perhaps I'm choosing the wrong career path. I could act quite convincingly.

I need to smile for these people and put on a good show. Laugh too loud and look happy. Like my life isn't torn apart. Like I don't wish it was me that died in her place. Like I don't want to just lie down in the middle of the road and never ever get up. I'm like this Autumn leave, just rotting away and people walk passed, not noticing or not caring.

Maybe by next Autumn, things will look up. I miss you terribly, my Angel.
I wish you never had to leave me
xxx

Goodbye folks and this was just a release. Don't worry about me too much. I'm still alive aren't I.
Bye x

Good News!

This is a quick update to say that my cousin and his fiance had their baby girl on 10th of July and her name is Emma! She's absolutely gorgeous (she's my second cousin) I love her to pieces and wish them all the best for their family!


I look forward to babysitting some time haha!


<<Emma>>  (._.)

The Grim Reaper is your friend

Every minute you breathe, someone else is struggling to do so. Every minute, someone dies. We lead our little sorry lives so carefully, so protected, in such fear. Of what? Of death.
Death. What is death?


We die. It's a natural part of life. But to answer all these questions we must ask more: What is life?
Life, we exist, then we are born a screaming tiny helpless baby. From that moment on, we must struggle our whole lives to continue existing in this form. But why?
Well ladies and gentlemen, we constantly wish to evade death. We perceive death as another realm, something evil, something scary and new and we don't know what to expect. It seems dark, horrid, terrifying that this "force" will drag us away from our loved ones in this realm to another, one where there are fewer rules. One where we may meet our ruler/creator/master, or we may meet our eternal doom. In exact words, our life is no longer ours to control.


We spend every second fearful of this "event", this "force" and we try to evade it for as long as possible. But we are wrong in doing so. For the moment, when I say death, think of natural deaths such as heart attacks, lung disease, old age, cancer...
(I shall come to deaths such as suicides, car crashes, murders etc. shortly)


So, we feel we must evade this. We watch over our children like eagles and they get sick, we freak. Of course we do. It's a natural response. But we do not understand death anymore. I believe we once did. But that view has become corrupted and tainted. Let me explain.


What if, death is not the end, but merely the beginning of a journey? What if death is "ascension" ?
To specify, Ascension is:


The act of rising to a higher or important level





So, most believe (usually religious) (but sometimes people from the scientific community) that ascension is becoming of a higher form, a higher being or consciousness. In my theory, I believe this "occurrence" this "process" is when your being/soul/spirit becomes of a higher form, to what may be considered a deity or "demi-god" to those very religious.



So, in my theory, death is this process occurring. We are in the process of dying and - in my beliefs and in this theory of mine, Monolatry (the acceptance of the existence of many gods and deities but the worship of one deemed solely worthy of worship) we have somehow fallen from God or he has chosen to cast us down to this world which is a test of our loyalty and purity of heart. So, we are given this test and when he deems us ready for the main test - the pain of death is what this ultimate process is. He picks people (the ones we know to be dying) as they in his eyes have completed something or some task unknown to us all. Or perhaps he sees something about them that they are strong enough. Our ultimate test is being put through physical pain for death. Our body begins to shut down, rid us of human restrictions such as sustenance (the need and ability to drink, intake food), swallow, breathe, pass waste. We are in fact becoming less weak. We are becoming something more than human. 


So if we successfully die, we are ready and pure of spirit and mind to be God's chosen people. We then are ascended into more complex beings. Some may say deities, some gods, angels, ghosts.


So, what happens if we do not die naturally?
Well, if we take snippets of religious texts (periods in history will always have laws/opinions that corrupt these texts such as women were looked down upon) God looks poorly on suicide. We are not supposed to take our own life. Perhaps because he does not deem us fit enough for this test. It's like sitting an exam you haven't studied for, a subject you've never been taught. The same if you are murdered, killed in a car accident, etc. Your spirit is not ready to be tested. So where do these beings go when they have ascended? Because they have not ascended properly as they were not ready. So what does God do in this predicament?


We've all heard of Purgatory or Limbo. I never believed these to be separate personally. Others do, but going with my theory, they are one. Its a place where these souls that were not yet ready for God's ultimate test of faith are put, until they are ready. The inner workings of this, I have not quite yet figured yet. Leave that for another post someday when I'm struck by another brilliant epiphany.

A good question in this is:

What if we murder?

Referring back to another snippet of religious text, the story of Cain and Able. You don't really need to know the inner workings of the story apart from they were brothers and Cain killed Able. He was "the first man to kill" But there is an odd thing that God says afterwards. Before this event, no person has heard of murder, known the consequence (that person dying) etc. So, then God says something along the lines of but if any man is to kill Cain (for killing Able) he shall die 7 times over. Bit of an odd thing to say. Actually it's not. Think about it. Before Cain killed Able, the only deaths were of old age, or of eating poisonous food etc. So God was the one dishing out the tests. Until Cain did the unthinkable. So as an example now to humanity he said I don't want anyone doing what he just did. And if you do, He's punishing murderers to (reincarnation I think) have to pass his test 7 times over. They have to experience 7 times the pain. They also must endure 7 lifetimes and pass the test 7 times before God will deem them fit.

Of course, if you accidentally hit someone with your car because they stepped off the pavement at the wrong time or something, that is not murder, its accidental death. I believe it would be considered the same as suicide. Only no ones fault, just clumsiness on both sides. This is not to say that medicines and doctors and surgery is all bad. But searching for eternal life will only bring about more pain and pain of all kinds. We do not permanently belong in this realm. We are destined to leave it, like a bird is destined to leave its nest and fly.

Overall, we should not fear death. It is irrational to shelter ourselves and try to desperately to live here in this realm as long as possible, as healthy as possible, as far from death as possible. But this is not what was meant for us. We should embrace death as our companion, something special like a sort of retirement. When we are ready, God (or whatever you wish to call this force) will select us to test our purity of spirit and heart. So when we are ready and succeed in ascending to him, this is a good thing, we have proved loyal and good enough to be one of his chosen people.

We must live in this realm as happy and free as possible. And strive to get to that point where we will be ready for such a great thing. And then we will move into another realm, to live our lives as higher energies, higher beings in a place where hopefully, our suffering has ended for good.

When they're away you just wait for them to get back

Hey readers,
I feel I am obligated to write to you more, especially since it is Summer, I have a lot more free time and I've neglecting this blog quite a bit. So here we go, here we fucking go...
Sorry, Song references are so tempting nowadays...


Anyways, I feel I have not mentioned J enough or in much detail to be honest. Well maybe I have and I rant about him endlessly and just don't realise. If that happens to be the case, send me some meds, I may be needing them....One bottle's fine.


So, as I was saying, before I rudely interrupted myself (is it possible to do that to yourself?) but anyways, you may or may not already know the deal that J's parents don't like me and he's not even allowed to talk on the phone until after his 2 week holiday which he's not even on yet! So I am very bored and lonely...


Couples will know what I mean with this. You have this terrible pull to be with them and you can't and thats really horrible, like mental torture...
I suppose you have to be thankful that they're alive and healthy and not dead...
APPRECIATE YOUR LOVED ONES! <3


But yes, he is a 5ft7 blondie who used to have lovely blonde curls but he keeps getting raped by scissors! Which if I'm honest makes me very sad....I really like the curls *sobs*
And he's a total gayboy wimp. Yes, I'm kidding. *whispers* I'm really not!*
Haha. Nah. He is a big softie and lovely and a wee charming prick. Really he's a wee charmer. Like his daddy ahaha No. I'm kidding. He's just a wee charmer.


I'm wondering if it's only me that has problematic in-laws?
I doubt it. There's probably a sect of them all. Scattered across the earth...
WE MUST DESTROY THEM! D:


bye xxx






P.S this is "our song" y'know couples have a song... So here it is

<3

Now guess who's back got a brand new rant....

S'up readers! Long time no talk with my brothers! 

You may have presumed I was dead...well for those who did, I'm not...

Or am I? What if I'm a ghost and this is a dream that I'm alive and I'm not? Wait - do dead people dream? Hm. That is a question for the next post perhaps...

Anyways, I'm wayy off topic.

I was trying to think of a particular topic as usual to please you people (*tugs at collar* whoa, tough crowd) but I couldn't think of one unfortunately. Perhaps business is one. Hope my spelling is correct. I'll be upset if it is not.

So being busy. I am busy. I am very busy. I'm so busy it's coming out of my eyeballs. Ew. I should get that seen to. No, really I am. There has been hectic chaos since Mum died and two days it will be the 2 month anniversary (3rd of May, remember) and life can get messy when things like that happen. I've went through a bit of a "not had my head screwed on" phase and that possibly resulted to some hard times for J too, that was unkind. This is one bit where I want to stress the importance of believing in yourself, your loved ones that you trust and your own choices. Sure, from time to time we all make the wrong ones, some people make more than others because they're unlucky/unhappy etc. but quite commonly a factor is other people. My favourite quote (or one of them):

Hell is other people

-Jean Paul Satre

So I must stress this point a lot: don't be afraid to take back an opinion/option/choice if you want to. Who do you have to answer to? Sure, yourself. And your God if you're religious. But who else, really must spy into your relationships, your life? Why give them presedence? Why give them a key in the first place? TRUST YOUR INSTINCT.

Anyways, after that lecture.... As I was saying, I had a bout of being a little drifty-zombie-like. suppose thats normal. But I didn't want it to be the spiral like last time. You know how it's like, brothers. (No offence, I'm addressing you ladies too) If you don't, I hope you never know what I mean. Really...Don't get like that. You are never alone either. So I didn't get like that I don't think, or not to a bad extent anyways. I have friends (what I call my family) so I have my family checking up on that and keeping it all controlled. So don't worry about me. I'm doing rather well actually.

I'm in my "busy" phase. Possibly more so because it's Summer (THANK THE LORD) and Summer 2012 for that, and my Summer while being what the youth call "sweet sixteen" (is it all that sweet?) and also the Summer I actually have a boyfriend (again THANK THE LORD) and an awesome one for that ! also, I'm actually not such a wimp anymore (well, just a bit) and also the exams are done (HALLELUJAH) and if the weather stays nice, I have a bet or plan to go out as much as possible, so far spent only one day in the house! wooh! That's a lot of ANDs. In fact screw the nice weather, this is Glasgow, and I happen to like the rain. NON-CONFORMITY FTW. (I joke because saying that IS conformity) Oh, I'm a funny lad.

I've been going a lot of walks too, with my friend who shall be known on this as simply just Scott, which is actually his name funnily enough. That or we name him Batman. He is good company so here is a little shout-out to my buddy! x
Also I plan to go to M&D's with my friend, M. And I plan to go nuts and try and go on everything hopefully. And eat a lot. Oh another of my concerns, I know I am not fat. I'm just heavy built. Only thing is how does one go about being "not-heavily built" ?


So, yes, I have been very busy. And I've been starting Higher courses too and worriedly thinking about my Forensics prospective career and where to stay and finances and whether its even worth bothering to send a portfolio to The Glasgow Fucking Poncy School of Controlled Art. Yes, I don't like placing my art in a box. And I hate those people. I visited it once in primary school and swore I'd never join that scumbag cult (they harmed animals) nor would I do the art they told me to....but I'm worried what if I can't go to Dundee for some weird reason? What if I suck at Forensics or it's too difficult or something? I mean I always said I had my art to fall back on. Hm. This is driving me insane! Also, what happens if I screw up and me and J aren't together and I can't afford the flat and I'm all alone in Dundee...But then again I don't really have anything left to keep me here in Glasgow, now that Mum's gone. Before, I said I'd visit her and meant it. But A grave is a little different I suppose. Wow. That was some rant


So yes I am also in that "PANIC ABOUT FUTURE" phase. And also I really want a job. Someone give me a job. Something that pays a lot. Please.


But yes, I picked Higher Art! Yay! It's the best. For my Expressive Unit, I'm doing the theme of "Ophelia" (y'know, from Hamlet (of which I've never read)) and she kills herself because her lover doesn't lover her (been there, eh girls?) and drowns in a river but covers herself in flower so it's all very tragically beautiful. How the heck am I meant to pull that off by using my own ugly-mug?? anyways, I like my portraits so far. They look odd but in a good way, odd. Apparently portraiture is my "calling" in art. Oh right. Sure thing, teacher.


Also of course I have been thinking about life in general. My big cousin and his fiance are to have their first baby (it's a girl!!!) on around July 20th. But my Uncle (her grampa)'s birthday is the 24th and his sister, my Mum her birthday is the 22nd. So we think she'll be born on someone's birthday! I thought that would be cute. Also they have names but are keeping it a surprise! Can't wait to meet my new baby (2nd) cousin! Hehe she'll be so cute I bet. And religion too a bit. Like how I hope I do good enough in this world for my God to be happy with me.


Of course, death, mainly. Not as grimly as you may think. Well....sort of and I apologise. But if most of that side of my family have all died at age 56 or around abouts, what if I'm the same? What if I can feel it like a clock in my head? I keep thinking "40 years left" and I know my family hate it. Especially J, it really bother him I know. But I can't help it. And at least I shall get to tell all my loved ones the things I need and want to, a chance the nurses robbed my Mum of. Is it so bad to appreciate those 40 years left on that clock? Hey, I may be wrong (I'm really not) and so at least I have done a lot in my life. And that then lends onto the "best age to have kids" problem. J says 22. But what if I'm right? That would mean my ELDEST kid would be 33. And most people have 2 or 3 years between kids. So what if one of them is only just 20 or something? thats why I worry so much about that. People would never have the balls to ask, what's it like to think you won't live to see your granchildren? Yeah. Mental. My Mum never got to see hers, either.


It's a sad world. I have an even sadder mind. I'm not scared of death. Come get it bro. Actually don't. Please don't. Okay, maybe I'm scared a bit. It's a whole new concept, ain't it? I dunno what I'm signed up for out there. I could be in for eternal torture or eternal happiness (thats unlikely seeing as I'd need J for that) But all I can say is I can see my Mum. I hope. And my creator if there is one. I hope. I'm scared a little about the process and the pain. I reeeeaaalllly don't want cancer. It's a really horrid process. You don't even want to see my memories for my Mum's death. Worse than the scariest horror movie you've ever scene. It's sick and disgusting and twisted and if I sit and think of it for too long, I would most assuredly go insane. More so than I already am. And I don't want to end like that. I don't want my family to see that and I'm not sure if I like the thought of rotting in the ground. But no one gonna cremate me either. I kinda need my organs (refer to first post for my belief system if you're interested)


And what if I die before that. In a car accident. Or something else a bit random. And J has to bury me. That's not gonna be fun. Oh gosh, I'm prattling on and on about death. Whoops sorry. I'm just worried.


I would like to think I'm keeping busy in a good way. I would post my poetry work, but I worry it would get stolen and edited. So for now, I shall wait until they are published and I'll link you all. That's if that ever happens. My artwork, I shall keep you updated with. Also, Keeping enjoying life, folks. And hold on to your youth! Here's the sky outside right now, It's looking rather sweet. Here this is for you to enjoy. Good luck with all endeavours and I shall post more!

Quick para for J:
I love you, you should know that. And I miss you like crazy and yes it is possible for someone to be busy but think about you every single second. Yeah I'm a woman and a multi-tasker. Be jealous. <3 xxx


Bye guys xxx

It doesn't do him justice...

So this is just a quick post guys, this one is particularly for J and also I thought yous would want to see my digital art (technically, I drew this on my Dad's iPad) but I felt it was rather decent enough to show the world 

It really doesn't do him justice at all, he didn't see me taking the photo and its a profile portrait too so not my best but hopefully enough to show the emotion I feel for him.
So here ya go gayboy ;) xxxxxxxx

Name and Shame!!! (not literally)

[This post is my angry rant about a certain group of people that I cannot actually name nor address but its purely to get my opinion and anger out]


You people disgust me! You treat your fucking kids like absolute shit! They are not your slaves nor walking child benefit and you can't treat them that way. Just because you dislike me you asshole, well you're screwed because NOBODY fucks with me, I said nobody and you ain't nothing fucking special. So what you're older? it don't mean SHIT. You know fuck-all about good parenting.


Good for you, you don't like me, not many do but I dare you, fuck me over again, go on, I dare you, one fucking more time. We'll see who will make who feel this small *makes small gesture with hands*
And this ain't about me and him, we were best friends before you fucktard, I would do this for all of my family because that's how I consider my friends. You aren't a parent, you don't know the fucking meaning of the word asshole! Get your filthy ass back to school and look it up! A parent doesn't cut their kid off from their friends like that, you're shit's twisted man. You can't treat them differently prick parents don't do that. People like you, I often question how assholes like you get laid and end up fucking married! What is the fucking world coming to?? Boohoo for you because I'll be around for a long long fucking time and you'll just have to face it, biatch. Toughen up ya wee prick, you can't even look me in the fucking eyes well guess what bitch?
You just met your worst nightmare. And you ain't gonna get away from me. Haha deal with it you FUCKTARD! ;)




And onto you, you mental whoring bitch! You're worse than him although he's not much fucking better. And you're a low little cunt, you like to hit him where it really fucking hurts. That's just your style, eh? Well, you should see my style. You're about to. You may wanna fear it like you fear God you stupid bitch! I'm going to destroy you because you are NOTHING. NOTHING. You think you can take the stuff I give to him you whore? It don't belong to you mentally ill crazy bitch so give it THE FUCK BACK why the fuck would he steal that its obvious you are telling a few white lies, eh? Well tut-tut that's not in my rule book so it ain't gonna be allowed im afraid. So you wanna know what I'm gonna do? eh nah it's cool I'll just let it surprise you honey :D
Now THAT'S the way I roll... You are so fucking mentally ill now go get help you bitch or do us all a favour and fuck off. Seriously, what has he ever done to you? and apart from that, I was nice to you at first so don't you even try speaking about me behind my back! Fucking hag. You need to watch the way you talk to me!!


Stupid fucktards, I will DESTROY you all. Easily.
So wise the fuck up bitch cause I ain't going nowhere for a long long time ;)
LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE
Kathryn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mwah! x


P.S heres a wee video to scare you shitless ;D

I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

What is Life and What Values Should We Hold?

Hey folks,


Not had a proper post in a while, thought it was a little overdue. Was thinking about life and our prospects. What we hold dear and what we choose to discard. Things we plan for, hope for, work for and things we dread.


Honestly, what is the world coming to now? People break into fights with each other over what exactly? Someone said or did something to your best friend's cousin's sister's boyfriend so you must "defend your friends"
I'm sorry, who do you think you are? You have no fucking reason to be angry nor do you have any legit reason for battering lumps out each other. There are other people in this world that have far better reasons than you to get mad and yet we don't go about like that. We sit quiet as always, forever ignored and overlooked. Hell if we had a fight, you'd be dead in seconds. So don't you dare turn round and try and give yourself a reason because you are just a bunch of pathetic Show offs. Oh I can fight cause I'm tough, no you can't so sit down you little cunt! Go back to your Call Of Duty game, for fucksake and give us all some peace/

And Rich kids too. They don't value life. By rich i don't mean just have money. I'm talking about little posh bastards that Mummy and Daddy have given them every fucking thing possible and they're still not grateful. Got into Oxford and not Eaton so they run away and cry. Toughen up ya wee prick! Make your life your own and stop using your Daddy's credit card. They have no values or realistic terms in life. They don't know about Homelessness or being without food for two days. Having everything in your possession smashed and broken. Having no heating, no hot running water. No money. No job. Gangs, Taxes, Council Estates, Illness, the NHS....They don't have this shit to deal with so why should we! Pick yourself up and make your own life without relying on your parents money. It's not what's important!


We should hold onto Hope. We should Get rid of Doubt. I actually came up with a little saying last night at quarter to three. Yes, I tend to get inspired around that time on sleepless nights before exams:


Today is a day of Weakness. Today is a day of Doubt.
But tomorrow will be better
And of that, I have no Doubt.


heh, not bad for in the middle of the night, eh? It's pretty accurate and its how I made it through last night. Unsurprisingly, I got very frustrated with my Chemistry studying and then couldn't sleep. To top it all off, those are the kind of bad times when I would go to my Mum. And that's what set off the crying no doubt. You can send yourself to pretty dark places in the middle of the night with nothing to wake up to. And all of that set off the craving for the fags again. Hm, I'm not doing very well am I?


We should hold our Loved ones dear as well. I don't know just how many things I would take back and do differently with my Mum. Like when she was ill, just cause she got better I should've been there. Last time we coherently talked it was on the phone. And that's as painful as a stab through the heart now. I should have been there in person. But even so, just those few short moments on the phone with her, just casually chatting is enough to keep me sane. So please, if you have ill or sick relatives or even if they're fine, DON'T WASTE A SECOND. I would take back all the fights. I'd give up everything just to have a 5 minute conversation with her now. Don't take love for granted!

Hate is another thing. People are so bitter so easily over the stupidest things. Why can't we just be happy for each other!!! For example, when you see your Exes, I can bet NO ONE smiles or smiles honestly. After bad things happen, you start to see who really does matter. We may be young but it doesn't mean nothing is unforgivable. Some things are. Look after each other better. Society has a lack of this now which is pretty damn sad. There used to be a time when we would sacrifice ourselves just to make sure our friends and family saw the next daylight. Where has this bond gone?


We should hold onto our strength. Some people think its "amazing" that I'm still doing my exams after my Mum. But its not "amazing" It's just strength. If I personally couldn't do it, I would fear for myself as a person. You need that kind of strength in life because there will always be people who disagree and who bring up problems. You have to be ready for that. It's a cruel uncaring world out there. You have to be prepared for hate.


Another thing: Just because you fight doesn't mean you don't love each other. Everyone fights. So what if one screwed up?! There's not a soul on this earth that hasn't not done something wrong, something they regret. I have thousands of those moments. I would change them if I could. As Eminem puts it, My insecurities could eat me alive. I have bad traits that I'm not proud of in fact they disgust me, I disgust me. But I know no one else is perfect either so I accept it.


So onlookers, stop judging someone. They may have done bad and you have to forgive, not forget NEVER forget but Forgive. As best as you can. Don't judge unless you are prepared to be judged. Harshly, might I add. I understand you are protecting your friend but you can't change how things are. If someone's in love they just are. Why should it matter how bad the person they love is? No one else plays by the rule book so why the fuck should we have to?


Love is Love. End of.


I'll finish this on a lighter note, some Eminem I think.
Check this shit:

Keep your spirits up, people. Peace out x

Letter to my Mum

{On Thursday 3rd May 2012, my Mum sadly passed away in her sleep}
This is my letter to her:


Dear Mum,


You were the best mother I could have wished for. God blessed me with a kind and caring mother and I couldn't be more grateful for even just knowing you for the short sixteen years. I am honored to be your Daughter! You were a beautiful intelligent and ambitious woman and always pushed me to do my best even when I thought I didn't have the strength to do so. You showed me the meaning of strength and perseverance at a time when I didn't believe there was anything good left in the world.


There was never a time you weren't there for me Mum, especially when I had severe depression, you got me through it and supported me every night and day until I got back to School. You were so wise and always gave the best advice, even if I didn't take it at the time, later I'd realise that you were right all along. You were the best mother and there's not a memory from my childhood where you weren't playing games with me and my sister or singing to us.


I love you and I'm so sad you're gone after fighting cancer for 9 years. You were only 56 and you had another 30 odd years left in you, its just a shame you didn't get a chance to live that out. But you were suffering and I'm glad that suffering ended so that you're at peace now and I can tell you're watching over me.
There's so many things I want to tell you and share with you, even just to sit down beside you and just get a hug from you when I'm having a bad day. But you'll be forever in my heart my angel and you're in Heaven in the best place you could be. I just wish we could have had more time to do all the things we'd planned like for my wedding and when I have children. I'll tell them all about you but it makes me sad they'll never see your beautiful face or talk to you.


Another thing is that I wish you and J could have had more time to get to know each other because you're both great and quite alike actually. I know you'll watch over both of us because you could see that we loved each other. I wish you could be with me in the physical sense but I can feel you here with me even if I can't see you. I hope I'm as good a Mum to my children as you were to me.


Rest in Peace Mum, I love you forever xxx

Ode to amateur Musicians!

Been stumbling across some fantastic music and videos to go with them!
Check it out, this girl is AMAZING!

LOVE IT!!!!

How To Save A Life

My band is going to do a cover of How to save a life by The Fray soon, hopefully
I've been thinking of ideas to make an amateur video similar to that of Lana Del Rey's Video Games.
But I stumbled across this FANTASTIC female cover of the song!!!
She needs more views shes brilliant!!!

Give her your love she looks like she needs a confidence boost but shes brilliant!
Bye xxx