New Blog Moving to a New Blog !

Check it out!


http://just-a-slip-of-the-tongue.blogspot.co.uk/


xxx

New Blog

This will be the last post here. Google Chrome has blocked this for viruses apparently. So here's my new one:

http://bleeding-lips-and-blackened-hearts.blogspot.co.uk/

It's a lot darker than this blog so be warned that most posts may trigger, and it deals with themes such as anorexia, self harm and depression and is a lot more out-there. Just a heads up for you all.

All my love
Darkeyes
xxxx

Catharsis

So yes, I'm back I suppose. Not anything cheery to report really. There was one time where things did look up a bit near the end of 2012, but as usual, it was again time for another beating. Almost literally too.

I'm not going to divulged the full details on this blog because it's already escalated and rather messy. Not to mention I'm pretty humiliated, angry, depressed and upset about all this. So the break up....I continued to hurt myself, we got back together, found out there had been another girl, we stayed together everything was fine, Christmas and New Year were pretty depressing without Mum. So there I was, thinking this new year would be alright especially since 13 is my lucky number, always has been.

Oops.

Well lets just say his family have caused a lot of trouble, parents and the school were involved, a certain element of harassing, just a dash of invasion of privacy and a sprinkle of potential break up to the mixing bowl. 20 minutes at 200 degrees and hey presto, you have this situation.

So...I'll keep you posted on what happens I suppose. But don't expect me to be any cheerier than a Lion trapped in a cage with a sore head. Pretty much...

I'd rather not think about it too much. I feel depressed and stuff. I did more stupid things again. The reason for the title of this post. It's a Greek word - means outletting your emotions (such as grief, fear, sadness, anger) through art, writing or an activity in someway. My favourite English teacher wrote that on the bottom of my reflective essay I wrote about my Mum's passing. So I suppose this is a Catharsis. 

Thought we could do with a few of the hubble telescope pictures to look at something beautiful. Goodbye for now.

Looks like a cosmic butterfly!

Temporary Farewell

Do not fret my dear readers, for I will be back perhaps sometime in the new year. I need some breathing space right now at this moment in time. A lot of things happened today and they will have repercussions for the near future and the far away future. I've come to a point in my life where I feel everything I love has been unfairly stolen from me and I cannot deal with this prospect. So I'm trying to cut down on the internet use for the latter part of this God awful year and I'll keep my head down and study until it's over. There's not much else I can do now. I've gotten into a bad state today something in particular I hope never becomes a habit like the cutting; It could have led to much much worse and I'm pretty stupid for doing it. My Mum would be very disappointed and that is one thing I certainly did not set out to do in life. I want to make her proud and I'm finding it hard to cope with every situation cropping up. I seem to always speak too soon on this blog and I find that difficult to stomach - Hey, I'm a pessimist - And I find it hard, despite what I said in the previous post, to forgive and make peace with myself. You see today me and J broke up -but it's more than a break up to me. It's another part of my heart stolen. And one cannot live without a whole heart never mind no heart.

So I'm giving myself a break. I know I can never recover from the events in this year for the rest of my life and beyond, they will haunt me. But one cannot live in the past no matter how hard we try to cling on. I'm not sure where I see myself in life anymore. Career, family all such things have just disappeared in the click of someone's fingers from my mind. After what I did today, I'm not even sure I see myself in life at all. But that's another matter all together

Maybe the apocalypse will occur on 21st December 2012. I'd welcome it with open arms.
Less time waiting to see Mum.
Goodbye for now readers, I will be back soon

xxx

Traité De Paix Pour Moi, S'il Vous Plait

This is a time in which I feel I need to vent more and come to terms with certain things in my life and to figure things out in my head. The Translation of the title is "Treaty of Peace for me, please" and the reason for the title is the theme of this particular blog - Being at peace with oneself

I think this is something we could all benefit from. Society has, through its strength, brought about its own downfall. We don't accept ourselves - we strive throughout our lives to change ourselves, "better" ourselves, make ourselves more accepted by others but in doing so we have lost the true essence of our personality.

So, How do we make peace with ourselves?
I don't really have an answer for that. I'm just testing it out myself. After all that's happened and all that is going to happen probably on Monday then I think I could at least try to make peace with myself. All this time I've been what everyone else wants of me. Believe it or not, I don't like being loud, I don't like being a leader or standing out. And I've been that way because it's what other people have needed. For example, people in my family are all quite quiet people. So someone needed to be loud and talk for them. Others always need a leader. So I always step up for something but I don't like doing it. Inside I'm a quiet person. I like being left alone to myself.

So I'm trying to like myself better. I'm not sure where to begin, I think it starts with doing stuff I like. Or appearing how I want. I think my real self has always been in my art and my writing. I'm going to focus on these exams right now. They've been going well so far. Maybe if I work hard enough I can get the 5 A's. I know I want to do Forensics. I know I can do it despite what certain people say. It makes me doubt if I can do it but inside I know I can and my Mum did too. If i can't believe in myself I can believe that she did. Despite what happens Monday, I need to keep a clear mind. I'm not parasitic: I don't live off other things. I can easily stand on my own two feet. And maybe I've been letting myself down forgetting about my exams. Because I am smart, I'm not entirely stupid. I have a good capability to learn and I have been neglecting it. That's not to say I want me and J to break up.
But my point is, I think I've lost myself in this. I've had to much going on recently - I think I need to take one of those breaks y'know where someone isn't seen for the whole summer and comes back renewed and different. Although it's not summer, I could use the Christmas Holidays I think. I'm not planning on enjoying Christmas this year nor am I taking part in it. I may as well fix myself back together piece by piece. Like a gap year fit into one month.

So this is me making peace with my self. I'm sure there's a lot of people out there doing what I usually do, not being yourself. But you can't constrain to society for ever. Because society will never give you a break. So give yourself a break.

One thing I can say is, you won't find yourself in your other-half's eyes.




Peace out
xxx

Three Times A Charm: oh the fucking irony

I'm on fire again. Not only with test scores but with life in general!
You are fucking kidding me...
Get this:

The number three really isn't my lucky number. In fact I'm beginning to think everything is out to get me. And it's not paranoia this time... It really is true
Let's start at the beginning of today:

<< rewinds

Okay I wake up a little late in quite a good mood although the last second of my dream was shattered by finding my mother in a room on a morgue table all purple and swollen and someone goes up and touches her face and it dents inwards...I feel physically sick just talking about it.

But then things were looking up...for a bit
23/30 in Chemistry NAB and 80% in Biology NAB 
Which I was overjoyed about...until I spoiled someone's game of Doodle Jump...

Never ruin someone's high score of Doodle Jump or they may dump you. In an indirect manner. Not because of the game. But it's a factor...

Yes so...I'm not sure at this moment in time what's happening. I am beyond anger with these damn in-laws and I hope they rot in hell for a very long time, next to pedophiles and the like. I'm just disgusted at everything and everyone in general. But J...I don't know what to say about him. I'm not sure how I feel. I know I don't want to break up. But I don't want these scum in-laws on my back constantly either. And this all just piles up and piles up and piles up (3 times so far) until I seriously can't take it anymore.

I need a holiday - Now.

Or I want to run away. Pack minimally and fly to France. Rent a Townhouse in Paris. Dye my hair and change my appearance, change my name to River. Smoke in sleepy bars at 3 am in the morning and nursing whiskey while I compose my latest poem. Writing my stories on the ledge of a little window looking out onto puddles on cobbled streets. Sleeping in a dingy flat with blue floral wallpaper and a single white bed. Painting in the middle of the street. Walking through Paris in the rain... I want to run away soo badly

But it's never going to happen.
I have to accept that. I'm not sure what I'm trying to clutch onto but I'm hoping it's a lot more valuable than straws.

J, Don't make me want to run away. Please don't let all this go. You can only step in the same water in a river once. I think it's the same for Fire too....

Ironic: Kathryn, the girl on fire was literally on fire!

I like fire. Or did...
It's pretty awesome. Or it was. I mean, my background on this is a flame! I liked the way the lighter burst into flames when I lit up. I liked the heat of fire and the flickering and the smell if you burned paper and wood. But I had a dream

It went a little like this:

I was on the hill a little up from my house, I saw a motorbike parked funny, jutting out to the oncoming traffic. I went to fix it and as I was moving the bike, a woman on a motorbike pulled up in traffic. I stopped to watch her and wasn't paying attention to the other traffic. She was dressed in a black dress, rather like a puritan woman, and she looked horribly sad. While I was distracted by her, a car came and hit the bike in my hands, it crashed into my bike and knocked the woman off of hers. As I was rising off the ground, another car came and hit the other car, setting itself alight with flames  along with the two bikes. But the woman had gone.
It went up in flames and caught onto me as I was standing up and I can still hear my own screams when I was on fire. I woke up checking for burns....

Yeah pretty scary
So now I have developed Pyrophobia which is weird

Just when I wanted it as my mutant X-men power... I'm kidding actually I want telekinesis (moving shit with your mind) that or shapeshift like Mystique...Then maybe throwing fireballs...

But not now...



Moving swiftly on....



The reason I made a mention to The Hunger Games is because Jordan said Katniss reminds him of me. Hey it's a good comparison, it could have been something awful lol.

So yes, I think my religion quickly deteriorated in the past few weeks. I find Pantheism is for me - it's like animism, appreciating all nature, that we're a part of nature, not the pinnacle of nature but only a mere cog in it's clock. Also, everything has a soul and I believe not in a god, but a universe, that everything is controlled by this universe and it is affected by our energy or mind focusing e.g if you focus on thinking about someone you care about and you're worried about them, I believe the universe balances it out by helping this person - rather like prayers. The universe needs to be balanced and everything matters.


it's like Hippie Kathryn has escaped again....

Could be a good thing...

Means longer hair and no more goddamned belts on jeans....

I hate belts!

Like I hate people that talk at the cinema...

They're restrictive pieces of crap!!!

People of the world, throw out your belts!!!

They're like the in-laws, they should be thrown out with all the other rubbish of the world....

Yes, I'm talking to you....*glares* e.e

Goodbye peeps :P
xxxx